KITTY 



A DUOLOGUE 



By 



ROBERT HIGGINBOTHAM 



Copyright, 191 3, "by Samuel French, Ltd. 



New York 

SAMUEL FRENCH 

Publisher 

28-30 WEST 3STH STREET 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd 

26 Southampton Street 

STRAND 



**1 



The fee for each and every representation of this 
play by Amateurs is half a guinea, payable in advance 
to :— 

MESSRS. SAMUEL, FRENCH, LTD., 
26, Southampton Street, 
Strand, London, 

or their authorized representatives, who will issue 
a written permission for the performance to take 
place. No representation may be given unless this 
written authority has first been obtained. 

Any costumes, wigs, or properties used in the per- 
formance of plays contained in French's Acting 
Edition may be hired or purchased reasonably from 
Messrs. C. H. Fox, Ltd,, 27, Wellington Street, 
Strand, London. 



©CI.D 34540 



KITTY 

Originally produced at the Marlborough Theatre, 
London, on Monday, August 7, 1911, with the follow- 
ing cast : — 

Lil . . . Miss Evelyn Summers. 

Sid . . . Mr. Edward Nim 

Afterwards revived at the Savoy Theatre, London, 
on Monday, June 2-3, 1913, with the same cast. 

Scene. —A public park. 
Time. — .4 summer evening (present d ty). 
Properties. — Two iron chairs or an ironbench. Tree. 1 
Hand Props (joy Lil). — Parasol, postcard, handbag' 

1 Not esscntia-I. 



KITTY 

5CENE. — A public park. Two " park " chairs arc set 
under a tree. Enter two Cockney lovers arm-in-arm, 
he taking her arm. She looks glum and is apparently 
sulking. 

Sid (as they ivalk). Wot d'you say to 'avin' a 
sid'down ? 

Lil. I don't mind ! 

Sid (indicating chairs). 'Ow'll this do yer ? 

Lil (without interest). Good as anywhere else, I 
s'pose. 

Sid. D'you want to sid'down or would y' sooner 
keep walkin' ? 

Lil. All one to me ! 

Sid. Well, let's make our minds up, else some 
other party' 11 pinch the seats. There's a couple 
comin' along now. (Looks off.) 

Lil (petulantly). Oh! Orl right! (They sit.) 

Sid. Only just in time — they was makin' strite for 
'ere. We've done 'em in a fair treat, eh ? (Chuckles. 
Slaps his knees. She doesn't respond.) Bit o' luck 
jest spottin' this seat, eh ? (She still doesn't reply.) 
You're very chatty this evenin', I don't think — wot's 
up, Lil ? Anything wrong, old dear ? 

Lil. Oh no ! I'm nicely, thanks. 

Sid. Thought per'aps it was that ice-cream we 
'ad jest now 'ad upset yer. 

Lil (scornfully). Didn't 'ave enough to upset me ! 
5 



6 KITTY 

Sid {huffed). Oh, I say, 'ang it all — you 'ad three 
goes and chance it. 

Lil. They was only penny ones, and small enough, 
I'm sure. 

Sid. Well, you could 'ave 'ad more if you'd 
wanted — only got to sye. You can turn y'self into 
a bloomin' skatin'-rink if you got a mind to — I'm 
not the one to grudge you — you know that right 
enough. 

Lil. I didn't say you was. 

Sid. No ! But you 'inted — spoke very nasty, 1 
thought. 

Lil. Well, o' course, if the cap fits, wear it ! You 
grumble when I don't say nothin', and then you com- 
plain when I do. No pleasin' you. 

Sid. Oh ! well, we don't want no words about it, 
do we ? P'raps it was somethin' you 'ad with y' tea 
upset you. I noticed you was pretty free with the 

shrimps. There's some can't take shrimps at all 

I 'ad an old uncle, lived down Chingford wye, when- 
ever 'e tasted 'em 'e come over that queer — — 

Lil. There's no shrimps nor nothin' the matter 
with me — I'm nicely, thanks. 

Sid. Oh! you are, are you ? That's good 'earin', 
anyway. You don't be'ave like it. 

Lil. Oh ! So now I don't know 'ow to be'ave 
right, that's the latest, is it ? 

Sid. 'Oo said ? 

Lil. You did. 

Sid. No, I never 

Lil. Yes, you did. 

Sid (rising). No, I never. (Goes r.) All I said 
was you didn't be'ave like as if nothin' 'adn't upset 
you ; no more you do, neither. If you can't see no 
difference in that, you must be thick. 

Lil. Huh ! Thick, am I ? Thanks for the in. 
formation ! You're the first one that's noticed it. 
I'm learnin' somethin' to-day and no mistake. Any- 
thing else in a small way ? 



KITTY 7 

Sid. There you go ! I didn't say you was thick. 

Lil. Oo ! What a whopper ! 

Sid. No ! it ain't. I didn't sye so. Wot I said 
was you must be thick if you couldn't see as 'ow it was 
different me sayin' you didn't be'ave like as if nothin' 
'adn't upset you, and — and me sayin' as 'ow you 
didn't know 

Lil. You're gettin' a bit tied up, strikes me. 

Sid. Ah ! There's none so blind as them as 
won't 'car. 

Lil. See, you mean, don't you ? 

Sid. Never you mind what I mean. 

Lil. I don't. Tell you the truth, I don't think 
you know y'self. 

Sid. Oh ! I know right enough, don't you fret. 
Only you keep twistin' my words to mean somethin' 
different. 

Lil. Pity I can't twist a bit o' sense out o' them— 
that's along o' me bein' so thick, I s'pose. 

Sid. Oh ! Cheese it, Lil ! Wot's the use to keep 
all on ? 

Lil. I've no wish to keep all on — thought you 
seemed to 'ave a lot to say. 

Sid. Well then, let's drop it, shall we ? 

Lil. Oh ! Certainly ! (She hums to herself.) 

Sid. It ain't early closin' every afternoon o' the 
week, y'know, and when we do get a bit o' time to- 
gether, we may as well try and enjoy ourselves, and 
makes things a bit pleasant, eh ? (She continues 
humming.) What I mean is, talk a bit civil to each 
other — eh ? 

Lil {indifferently). Orl right ! Go ahead ! (Pause 
— during which she looks straight in front of her — still 
humming. He fidgets nervously tick, tryi 

think of a remark.) 

Sid (suddenly). This fine weather's a bit o' fat, 
ain't it ? 

Lil. You're right. 

(Pause,) 



8 KITTY 

Sid {tilting back his hat and mopping his brow). 
Phew ! Tidy 'ot, ain't it ? 
Lil. I'm quite cool. 

Sid (angrily) . Cool, are yer? You're not 'alf of a 
wet blanket. Ain't yer got nothin' to sye to a wet 
fellow ? 

Lil. That's something else I am — I'm thick, I 
don't know 'ow to be'ave myself, and now I'm a 
wet blanket. 

Sid. Oh, lor ! Don't start in again ! (He 1 looks 
at her.) I wish y'd tell us what really is wrong with 
yer, Lil. 

Lil. Don't I keep sayiri' there's not nothin' wrong 
with me ? 'Ow many more times ? You don't 
'alf want tellin' a thing, do you ? Strikes me, I'm 
not the only, one wot's thick. 

Sid. Well, you ain't a bit like y'self to-day, sittin' 
there so glum and all. Any one would think you was 
in church. 

Lil. Shouldn't mind if I was in church. As good 
as bein' 'ere, any'ow. 

Sid. Well, you will be, one day soon, along o' me, 
won't yer, old dear ? 

Lil. 'Ow d'yer mean ? 

Sid. Why ? You know ! When we goes through 
it like, that's to sye— gets tied up by the parson — 
see what I mean ? 

Lil. P'r'aps we shan't. 

Sid. Shan't what ? 

Lil. Not get tied up by no parson. 

Sid. You never mean to sye you'd rather go and 
get done by the registrar bloke, like wot I wanted ? 
What'd your poor old aunt sye ? She'd 'ave a fit ! 
she would ! 

Lil. No, thanks ! I go to church when my time 
comes. My family's all been respectable. 

Sid. Well, then, what do yer mean ? 

Lil. P'raps (with a catch in her voice) we shan't 
never get married at all. 



KITTY 9 

Sid (aghast). Not get married ! Well, you are a 
one to croak ! 

Lil. Dunno so much about croak. 

Sid. What yer mean ? 

Lil. Might be better orf like I am. 

Sid. Without me— eh ? 

Lil. That's about the size of it. 

Sid. Well, I'm bust ! That's a nice sort of thing 
to sye to a chap. And me and you fixed every- 
thin' up, and all — and me savin' up to buy you a 
ring. 

Lil. Oh ! I dessay you could find some one else 
to spend the money on if you was to try. 

Sid. I dessay I could, only I don't choose, see ? 
Look 'ere, Lil, I've 'ad jest about enough o' this. 
What's the game ? (Sits, taking her hand.) Come 
on ! Tell us ! 

Lil (pulling her hand away). There isn't no gime, 
so far as I'm aware of. 

Sid. Well then, what yer gettin' at ? 

Lil. I'm not gettin' at nothin', thenks. 

Sid. Oh lor ! Women are rum starts, and that's 
a fact. (Rising.) Well, I reckon I'd better be clearin, 
orf. (He funis to go off r. She starts, and is about to 
stop him, then turns away from him.) 

Lil. Don't let me detain you ! 

Sid (turning to her). See you Sunday ? 

Lil. You'd best ways ask 'er, 'adn't you ? 

Sid (astonished). 'Er ? 'Oo ? 

Lil. The one what you're going to meet Saturday 
night. 

Sid. I am ? 'Oo says so ? 

Lil. Never you mind 'oo says 

Sid. Tell yer what it is, Lil, old girl, you ought to 
see a doctor. You're — you're balm)- 

Lil. Oh ! am I ? 

Sid. Yes! Fair up the stick] Any'ow you talk 
like it. 

Lil (rises, coming to him). P'r'aps I got a bit more 



10 KITTY 

sense than you think, "m' friend. P'r'aps I know a bit 
more than you bargain for. 

Sid. You know a jolly lot more than what I do 
then. Blow'd if I know what you're driving at. 

Lil. I got the proof in writin' — 'ere in m' and-bag. 

Sid. 'Ave you, by gum ! Look 'ere, Lil ! some 
one's bein' leadin' you up the garden ; 'oo is it ? 

Lil. M' aunt Emma found it out. She just 
'appened to — ■ — 

Sid. Oh ! This is yer aunt Emma's doin', is it ? 
I might 'a known it was 'er. Never did trust that 
woman, for all 'er playin' 'ymns on the 'armonium 
Sunday nights. 

Lil. Don't you say nothin' against my aunt 
Emma ! She's too good for you. 

Sid. Yes, I reckon she is. I never could stick that 
sort. She 'ad 'er knife into me from the start, cos I 
took a glass o' bitter with m' supper. Well, what's 
she been puttin' you up to now ? 

Lil. She — she found somethin' at 'ome, that come 

out o' your pocket Somethin' in writin'. You 

must 'a dropped it when you was there last. 

Sid. Oh, indeed ! She got a sauce to read what 
weren't addressed to her, to start orf with. 

Lil. She said she couldn't 'elp but read. It was 
on a postcard. 

Sid. Couldn't 'elp ! Well, any'ow, what about 
it? 

Lil {producing card from bag). I've got it 'ere. 

Sid. Orl right ! Let's 'ear what it says, read it. 

Lil (reading tearfully). I am sendin' Kitty up on 
Saturday,, arrives Waterloo, 8.30, of course you will 
meet 'er — she's grown such a beauty. I know I can 
trust you to treat 'er well. 

(He throws himself down on chair, puis his head back 
and shouts with laughter.) 

Lil. I don't see nothin' to laugh at. What call 



KITTY 11 

'ave you got to go treatin' Kitties, I'd like to know? 
Oh ! Sid, she's not more beautiful than me, is she ? 
Sid {feebly, through laughing). Oh lor ! that beats 
all ' that does ! j 

Lil (angrily). 'Ow dare you make a joke of it? 

Sid (rising). My dear old girl, d'you know 'oo 
Kitty is ? 

Lil. No ! and don't want, neither. 

Sid. She's a cat. 

Lil. Yes, I knew that — girls like 'er, always is. 

Sid. No ! No ! She's comin' up in a basket. 

Lil (amazed). In a basket ? 

Sid. Yes, m' sister's sendin' 'er up from the coun- 
try, for you. 

Lil. For me ! Why, you mean 

Sid. Yes ! She's a real cat — you know — four 
legs and a tail — one what mews and purrs and all — ■ 
like wot you said you wanted. 

Lil. Oh, Sid ! 'Ow good of you, dear — and I've 
bin thinkin' such 'orrid things about you. (She 
embraces him.) 

Sid (holding her in his arms). That's all right, old 
sport. No 'arm done. Let's go and' ave another ice 
cream— one of them pink, tuppeny ones, shall we ? 

Lil. I don't mind. 

(Exit together.) 
(Curtain.) 



Printed by Butlek & Tanner, Frome and London. 



SEP 25 1913 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




014 432 676 3 



